‍[NEW EPISODE] Beating The Odds With Nancy!

Nancy Robbins was born in Seoul Korea shortly after the Korean War, and was up for adoption since she was of mixed blood , Asian and American. Nancy was in and out of orphanages till 31/2 years old.

Her mother's husband mentally and physically abused her often with beating, reading a bible scripture before the abuse. Nancy was overwhelmed with depression and tried suicide at one point.

In her late 30's Nancy was t-boned with a car accident. It took a year and a half to label the injury TBI - Traumatic Brain Injury. Only to have a personal, daily flight on her own to combat this as far and as much possible. Nancy was told she would never be the same. In the first year of the accident, she swallowed a bottle of pills. And here Nancy is today on the show.

Tune in for this important conversation at TalkRadio.nyc or watch the Facebook Livestream by clicking here.

Show Notes

Segment 1

Starting off tonight's show, Albert reminds us why he decided to start doing this show which was to challenge the stigma that surrounds mental wellness and illnesses and other similar topics and to provide a platform for his guests to share where others can also relate to. He introduces his guest tonight who is also a good friend of his, Nancy Robbins. Nancy says that it’s almost as if she has had two lives, referring to a car accident she had in her late 30s. Unfortunately she suffered from Traumatic Brain Injury. Albert asks Nancy about her life before this time. Nancy was in and out of orphanages, and was finally adopted at age 3 ½. Going back to the event of the car accident, Nancy had to go through most of her struggles alone. She mentions that some of the close people in her life didn’t know how to handle being around her or helping her. With her story, she wants to give others a lot of hope. When speaking about the first year of the accident, she says that it was very much difficult to help herself and her brain to regain strength and memory. Nancy during this time swallowed a bottle of pills, going through depression and almost giving up all hope. But she found the courage to fight through it on her own by starting with daily physical and mental routines.

Segment 2

Coming back from the break, Albert asks Nancy about how she grew up and how it affected her. Nancy says that the parents that she had who adopted her got divorced. Because of this, she had a new mother. Nancy says that her new mother was religious. She respects all religions and backgrounds, but as someone who was trying to learn English, there were many rules in which she couldn’t do certain things or listen to certain things on the radio. She speaks briefly about her mother’s husband who abused her mentally and physically. Her mother also was abusive to her mentally. Nancy speaks about incidents like being forced to write scriptures or being punished by not eating dinner. Because of this, she grew up with guilt, confused and depressed not knowing what was right or wrong. Nancy said that writing poems became an outlet for her to express herself without getting into trouble. By the time she reached 10th grade, she moved to Alabama to live with a different family and finish school. One thing that got her through all of this in her life was that she held onto her belief that she wanted a different life than the ones from the family she lived with, the people that she didn’t want to be around. Nancy has also had one close friend whom she has been friends with for 60 plus years.

Segment 3

Albert says that he believes that a family should be a unit of support and nurturing but unfortunately not everyone has this. Albert talks about the discipline and courage to write what one wants to express whether it’s a book or a film. They speak about her writing and how sometimes it was difficult to mentally be taken back to some moments when writing. Nancy went to counseling at one point in her life where she had sessions to help express herself through her writing. Her will to overcome a lot and have a better life came through things like self taught moments. She came across books that opened her eyes where she knew for a fact that she wasn’t the only one going through struggles alone and she was not the only one who had abusive parents. She has also learned to let go of her past to have inner freedom to live. Although the actions of her parents for example were not acceptable, she felt like she needed to forgive and let go in order to move on and live her life to the fullest.

Segment 4

Coming back from the final break, they talk more about books Nancy read that helped her in her life. Albert mentions a book called I Never Promised You a Rose Garden, it encouraged him to look further into the topic of psychology and mental health, eventually leading him to where he is today. He also talks about how emotions can rise when writing or other ways of expressing yourself. While working on his film, he opened up to a friend who reminded him that if he can help one person, its almost like helping the whole world, because he wasn’t alone in his grief from losing people close to him. He asks Nancy about her writing currently. She has taken poetry that she has written throughout her life and put them in different sections throughout her script that she is writing about her life. They talk about how powerful words are and how therapeutic it can be to write in which she can't be criticized. Something as simple as pen to paper can create a lot of strength and motivation for not only the person writing but for anyone else too. To end the show, Albert gives his thanks to Nancy for coming on the show and being able to share her story with us tonight.

Transcript

00:00:30.120 --> 00:00:30.780 Albert Dabah: hi there.

00:00:32.190 --> 00:00:44.280 Albert Dabah: Welcome to extra innings covering all the bases, my name is Albert dabba and I am the host of this podcast on this podcast we talked about many different challenges that people have.

00:00:45.510 --> 00:00:50.070 Albert Dabah: We talked about mental wellness mental illness, we talked about suicide.

00:00:51.390 --> 00:00:54.870 Albert Dabah: different kinds of conditions that people go through in their lifetimes.

00:00:56.220 --> 00:00:58.920 Albert Dabah: One of the reasons why I started this podcast.

00:00:59.940 --> 00:01:07.320 Albert Dabah: Back in January was I feel it's important for people to be able to talk about some of their challenges that go on.

00:01:07.740 --> 00:01:30.810 Albert Dabah: and share them with other people, so there is not such a stigma about what people go through, because by talking about it, I feel it helps people understand that they're not alone with some of their challenges I have practice as a therapist life coach and I have a.

00:01:31.950 --> 00:01:44.340 Albert Dabah: film production company called simmer productions extra innings actually comes from a film that I produced directed and wrote called extra innings which is now on Amazon peacock and many other platforms, including.

00:01:45.090 --> 00:01:59.160 Albert Dabah: symbol movies calm, you can find it we've had many different kinds of guests on our show we've had directors we've had on authors of many different kinds of books dealing with mental wellness.

00:02:00.810 --> 00:02:03.360 Albert Dabah: we've had on people from the police force.

00:02:05.070 --> 00:02:09.000 Albert Dabah: And what I feel from meeting all these people.

00:02:11.160 --> 00:02:18.330 Albert Dabah: Not only just what they do, but you know what they have gone through in their lifetime, some people have gone through some issues that.

00:02:19.380 --> 00:02:27.150 Albert Dabah: are so hard to believe, but they somehow they figure out a way to survive and get through them and survived well.

00:02:28.440 --> 00:02:38.700 Albert Dabah: And sometimes they use that to that that knowledge that they've gained to work to like I have written a movie and made a movie on the subject of.

00:02:40.170 --> 00:02:51.150 Albert Dabah: You know, mental illness and like that was in my family so tonight i'd like to introduce to you Nancy robbins who's actually a good friend of mine.

00:02:51.660 --> 00:03:02.400 Albert Dabah: Who is to be on the show and because she has gone through many different kinds of challenges in our lifetime Nancy how are you tonight i'm.

00:03:02.460 --> 00:03:04.920 Nancy Robbins: Good, thank you for having me on over.

00:03:05.460 --> 00:03:06.450 Albert Dabah: Sure sure.

00:03:07.530 --> 00:03:15.480 Albert Dabah: I remember meeting you and we had long talks about our lives and what we've gone through and you saw the movie.

00:03:16.890 --> 00:03:22.470 Albert Dabah: I believe we watch it at your House is that right, yes yeah well, that was a long time ago seems like.

00:03:24.390 --> 00:03:26.280 Albert Dabah: yeah so um.

00:03:27.570 --> 00:03:34.560 Albert Dabah: Well let's start with what did you think of the movie let me ask you that I mean what, what can you share, about the movie right now and then.

00:03:34.920 --> 00:03:54.390 Nancy Robbins: we'll talk about it, because you were completely honest with your writing for that movie and your emotions into that movie and, for me it really hurt my heart to see you have to go through that, on the other side of your loss of the siblings.

00:03:54.780 --> 00:04:09.090 Albert Dabah: Oh, thank you, I know I appreciate that I know it, I know it touched you, I know I remember watching it with you and talking to you about what happened and you shared a lot about your own life with me and I remember you.

00:04:10.260 --> 00:04:14.070 Albert Dabah: And I think you are, you can talk about that you're writing a.

00:04:15.510 --> 00:04:20.670 Albert Dabah: script I think for a book is that right about your life.

00:04:21.180 --> 00:04:32.130 Nancy Robbins: I am and actually I have it's been working progress for many years, because just when I think i'm complete another saga has happened in my life.

00:04:32.520 --> 00:04:43.620 Nancy Robbins: Right um for myself i've had like two lives, and the reason I say that is because in my late 30s I sustained a.

00:04:45.060 --> 00:04:51.750 Nancy Robbins: traumatic brain injury a Co contract code which a car tape on me and.

00:04:53.280 --> 00:04:58.020 Nancy Robbins: I will do not get held back by my seatbelt, unfortunately I hit the windshield.

00:04:58.230 --> 00:05:08.250 Nancy Robbins: wow the coo coo means my front levels, and also my right and left side of the brain like a ping pong ball.

00:05:08.520 --> 00:05:12.690 Albert Dabah: wow wow so that must have been really traumatic.

00:05:13.110 --> 00:05:33.510 Nancy Robbins: It was extremely traumatic because up until that point I strived and worked very hard from the previous life before that I was living to climb out of it and become a better human being and a better mother and all that, and the second bad happened.

00:05:35.070 --> 00:05:37.500 Nancy Robbins: My world completely changed within a second.

00:05:38.070 --> 00:05:46.500 Albert Dabah: So i'm about we go back a little bit before that accident and tell tell the audience about.

00:05:47.760 --> 00:05:51.390 Albert Dabah: I understand I remember you said you were adopted is that right.

00:05:51.720 --> 00:06:11.460 Nancy Robbins: Correct I was born in Seoul, Korea, and I was born, shortly after the Korean War which my father my biological parents when was full Asian and the other was not American so she was a real shame in her village.

00:06:12.780 --> 00:06:19.590 Nancy Robbins: With me being a mixed blood, so I was in and out of orphanages and.

00:06:20.910 --> 00:06:22.710 Nancy Robbins: I was adopted at three and a half.

00:06:23.790 --> 00:06:36.780 Albert Dabah: Well, so what was that, like you know the I mean three and a half, I don't know how much you remember from three and a half years old, but as you grew into the was there any other children.

00:06:38.460 --> 00:06:38.940 Albert Dabah: Yet.

00:06:40.110 --> 00:06:41.580 Nancy Robbins: or not full blood.

00:06:41.970 --> 00:06:43.290 Albert Dabah: Man i'm i'm a really.

00:06:43.320 --> 00:06:46.860 Nancy Robbins: Good investigator for my own life itself and.

00:06:48.270 --> 00:06:56.760 Nancy Robbins: discovered a whole world out there are people that were really my family that I do realize I had but you know.

00:06:57.750 --> 00:07:14.490 Nancy Robbins: As far as my brain injury goes um I just want to put it out there that even if you have to do it alone, which I ended up doing I had people come and see me that we're supposed to be in.

00:07:15.180 --> 00:07:33.450 Nancy Robbins: A family environment i'm either just own me or quit talking to me they didn't know how to handle it so once again, I found myself completely isolated alone, now that first year was very traumatic actually first year and a half, because.

00:07:35.310 --> 00:07:45.900 Nancy Robbins: I didn't have a label with my brain injury, I had other injuries, so I was going to all the wrong doctors actually for their traumatic brain injury.

00:07:46.560 --> 00:07:59.070 Nancy Robbins: And after a year and a half, it didn't get diagnosed, but by then, when I went into rehab on they couldn't figure out how I got to where I was and.

00:08:00.300 --> 00:08:20.790 Nancy Robbins: A person that really tried to rise above the ashes, so to speak, prior to this, I was driven to not stay as I was, I wouldn't have been able to come on to the show, I was a completely different person at the initial accident, so I got myself into routines and.

00:08:22.290 --> 00:08:30.840 Nancy Robbins: I did my own bullet points with back in the early 90s, we didn't have cell phones or anything but I had papers and post its and everything.

00:08:31.170 --> 00:08:41.850 Nancy Robbins: I looked at photo albums I couldn't even remember people there, I knew their face, but I couldn't tell you their name I spoke a lot of Korean.

00:08:42.840 --> 00:08:54.570 Nancy Robbins: And I, you know that was from the brain reverting back to the first language um there was a lot of huge obstacles in front of me each and every day.

00:08:55.020 --> 00:09:11.670 Nancy Robbins: But before I got diagnosed I had become so depressed and I felt so demoralized of not being able to get up and go to work and so that was very, very hard for me on.

00:09:12.660 --> 00:09:22.920 Nancy Robbins: To face all that plus not understanding why my behaviors more um I would put a load of laundry in and forget about it for three days, even if I had a post it.

00:09:24.210 --> 00:09:33.690 Nancy Robbins: was just not the person that you see here today, so I just want to give a lot of hope to those out there that have had injuries.

00:09:35.280 --> 00:09:47.070 Nancy Robbins: Even if you have to do it by yourself, you can do it the rehab sent me home and told me always stuck and I told myself, no one belt want to look like this the rest of my life.

00:09:47.550 --> 00:09:59.610 Nancy Robbins: I was gifted at one point to live in baltimore near Johns Hopkins and I went to the same arrangement with them, I went to the neurology for help and they sent me home saying this is it kid.

00:10:00.150 --> 00:10:10.260 Nancy Robbins: And you know what I went home and I cried my eyes, you know I don't want to be stuck but I did it and I didn't solo.

00:10:11.250 --> 00:10:18.810 Nancy Robbins: Because I didn't have that support system now I know when brain injury hits it doesn't just hit yourself.

00:10:19.560 --> 00:10:36.330 Nancy Robbins: But those that are affected, your family around you so if you have family around you please go and please understand brain injury that yes, you're affected to not just the injured party.

00:10:37.530 --> 00:10:38.670 Albert Dabah: So, how did, how did you.

00:10:39.780 --> 00:10:41.550 Albert Dabah: How did you get through it ultimately.

00:10:42.690 --> 00:11:10.470 Nancy Robbins: Well, the first year I didn't I swallowed a bottle of pills, because I was so overwhelmingly depressed and I felt so demoralized and I couldn't figure out what the heck was going on with me I wasn't in control my brain was um so I didn't, but I think it was my perseverance that.

00:11:11.820 --> 00:11:31.320 Nancy Robbins: I told myself if my brain got her i'm going to be like that sculpture i'm going to start all over again and i'm going to rewire my brain so everything I did was like get up in the morning and I get on the treadmill for oxygen I would.

00:11:32.610 --> 00:11:46.680 Nancy Robbins: Just do numerous things I put i'm a big poster person, but I had to write myself no so I had to put our names on pictures, so I could start recalling again I had to do all kinds of crazy stuff.

00:11:47.130 --> 00:11:59.970 Nancy Robbins: But the thing is every single day, I was committed to myself to make that day better, but I will say this, you cannot measure and Andrey such as my.

00:12:00.450 --> 00:12:13.830 Nancy Robbins: by the day, or the week with the month, you have to look back on the big pockets of it i'm 27 years into this I look back, like six months to a year to see my progress.

00:12:14.670 --> 00:12:34.470 Nancy Robbins: So, but it's an everyday commitment, you may be exhausted lay down and for five minutes and get up and do it again that's why I have to say this, and committed to yourself, because I know if I didn't I would still be that person that initially got hurt.

00:12:35.550 --> 00:12:43.050 Nancy Robbins: I need to train myself, even with verbiage is i'm with language.

00:12:44.160 --> 00:12:48.600 Nancy Robbins: And so it was like infantile, to the point where you hear me now.

00:12:50.400 --> 00:12:51.360 Albert Dabah: Did you um.

00:12:52.440 --> 00:13:04.080 Albert Dabah: Was there any one person who helped whether it was the doctor friend or that you know kind of help you and guide you along with this at some point to get to where you are.

00:13:05.220 --> 00:13:13.830 Nancy Robbins: Absolutely no one, but one person in my life my dearest and oldest friend over 60 years um.

00:13:14.640 --> 00:13:31.860 Nancy Robbins: I could call her up and be a sounding board of my anger of my pain of everything she was a tremendous listener, I don't know what I would do with elder um because I had nobody I literally had no one.

00:13:33.840 --> 00:13:42.300 Albert Dabah: wow so you also talked about to me previously about what it was like for you.

00:13:43.500 --> 00:13:46.260 Albert Dabah: You know, when you when you were younger.

00:13:47.520 --> 00:13:50.580 Albert Dabah: I mean, I think what you're talking about is so important, and please I.

00:13:52.200 --> 00:13:56.790 Albert Dabah: it's not just obviously that the brain injury is how it affects you emotionally.

00:13:57.960 --> 00:14:03.120 Albert Dabah: and physically, of course, but what I would like to know is.

00:14:04.770 --> 00:14:14.430 Albert Dabah: The process of going through like you said, your mother and shame and when you were younger mixed blood Korean.

00:14:16.680 --> 00:14:22.380 Albert Dabah: You know when we're young a lot of things influence us and sometimes we don't even know what it is.

00:14:22.950 --> 00:14:42.990 Albert Dabah: So we're going to be taking a break, but it's something that when we come back i'd love for you to address some of that as well and go from there, so we'll be we'll be back with Nancy and continue on Thank you Nancy.

00:16:56.400 --> 00:16:59.400 Albert Dabah: hi we're back here at extra innings.

00:17:00.420 --> 00:17:07.230 Albert Dabah: So Nancy tell us a we left off about talking about your younger years.

00:17:09.120 --> 00:17:15.060 Albert Dabah: Where you were born tell us how that kind of what happened and how it affected you.

00:17:16.260 --> 00:17:22.860 Nancy Robbins: Well, my life changed, of course, instantly as soon as I came over to the United States at three and a half.

00:17:23.910 --> 00:17:31.350 Nancy Robbins: But my life changed again instantly because the parents that I had at that time divorced.

00:17:32.520 --> 00:17:39.270 Nancy Robbins: And I ended up basically with the new mother and.

00:17:41.280 --> 00:18:02.880 Nancy Robbins: She was quite a handful look back of her personality i'm and i'm going to speak a little bit about religion and I respect anyone's faith and even people that are jehovah's witnesses there's a lot of good people out there, but she was a Jehovah witness and.

00:18:04.290 --> 00:18:13.380 Nancy Robbins: For me, it was very challenging because all the sudden i'm trying to learn English i'm in a broken family again.

00:18:13.980 --> 00:18:34.260 Nancy Robbins: And i'm there's a lot of rules, I remember being very tiny and discovering the radio and not being able to listen to the music and that sort of thing, but, as I was growing up, she would.

00:18:35.790 --> 00:18:57.810 Nancy Robbins: lot of times send me off to other people to live, and so I was basically passed around a lot, but I ultimately going send it back to her, but she's been married several times, and one of her husband's um.

00:18:58.890 --> 00:19:10.890 Nancy Robbins: He abused me and then um it was really rough I don't you know, looking back you're not trying to put my hand on my back saying hey you know, I was a good kid but I really.

00:19:11.760 --> 00:19:26.940 Nancy Robbins: You know, was trying to mold with my environment wherever I was so this person did a lot of harm with a lot of beatings with me mm hmm but.

00:19:27.450 --> 00:19:46.500 Nancy Robbins: I know I have my notes here, so I could speak a little bit clearer, but he would always have me read proverbs 1324 about spare the rod with the child and discipline but i'm not here to analyze that scripture i'm just saying and then he would.

00:19:48.240 --> 00:19:54.780 Nancy Robbins: make me read other scriptures before that maybe pick out if you're wanting to build the wounds bird.

00:19:56.340 --> 00:20:05.100 Nancy Robbins: But the mother never came to my rescue and so I grew up with our they.

00:20:06.240 --> 00:20:18.330 Nancy Robbins: Leave it to beaver family, and I know there's so many families out there, with so many different scenarios, but seriously she was not a hugger or a person that was positive.

00:20:18.990 --> 00:20:34.920 Nancy Robbins: or she threw a lot of guilt on me with her beliefs religion number from school and the mental anguish that I went through with her instead of her talking to me i'll be flying letters on the bed.

00:20:35.580 --> 00:20:36.510 Albert Dabah: And they were paid us.

00:20:36.810 --> 00:20:58.140 Nancy Robbins: pages of letters of guilt, that I was not living up to god's standards her standards, I was just such a disappointment as a child and then my punishment from her would be a page full of scriptures that I had to write each 110 times punishment.

00:20:59.310 --> 00:21:04.560 Nancy Robbins: So mentally I was not in a good place, I can remember many.

00:21:05.640 --> 00:21:27.030 Nancy Robbins: Many times, if I didn't get the beatings um I would be sent to bed without supper or dinner or I could sit there at the table, I had my choice and watch the me i'd have my plate, but I wouldn't join them um so I had a lot of mental abuse and.

00:21:28.050 --> 00:21:43.710 Nancy Robbins: You know it doesn't sit well with the child child to go to school and want to talk to your friends and get titled tell them that you're talking to a group of kids at school and go home and get punished, so it was pretty rough.

00:21:44.070 --> 00:21:49.080 Albert Dabah: How all they like hell over you at a time that you're talking about about like what ages.

00:21:49.500 --> 00:21:51.120 Nancy Robbins: Talking grade school.

00:21:52.710 --> 00:21:56.130 Nancy Robbins: grade school and middle school.

00:21:57.720 --> 00:21:59.040 Albert Dabah: Where were you living at the time.

00:21:59.340 --> 00:22:06.930 Nancy Robbins: And she really didn't want me to have an education whatsoever, she took me out of school in high school oh.

00:22:08.220 --> 00:22:09.060 Nancy Robbins: boo to.

00:22:09.420 --> 00:22:13.080 Nancy Robbins: To not get any more education and marry off.

00:22:13.500 --> 00:22:17.640 Albert Dabah: And you will you were living in unit I just say so, with it, so yeah yeah.

00:22:18.420 --> 00:22:24.540 Nancy Robbins: So we'll look at my notes um so there was I grew up with a lot of guilt.

00:22:25.800 --> 00:22:41.100 Nancy Robbins: And will want to English and I was a very depressed child and very confused because I didn't know what was right or wrong, but I would look out and actually that's when I started writing on my own um.

00:22:42.120 --> 00:22:51.930 Nancy Robbins: Because it was an outlet for me, and I can remember the first thing that I ever bro was to my biological mother pouring my heart out.

00:22:52.680 --> 00:23:11.790 Nancy Robbins: And, but I would make sure that I should rather than every piece of paper because I didn't want it found, and then I started writing poetry um it was a good outlet for me rather it be positive or sad form, but it was a way for me to express without getting into trouble.

00:23:12.060 --> 00:23:22.260 Albert Dabah: How did you how did you how did you start writing like did someone tell you that that's a good outlet to try to release some of your emotions from writing.

00:23:22.830 --> 00:23:31.050 Nancy Robbins: Actually, the one and only thing that I can ever remember that this mother gave me was a diary.

00:23:32.160 --> 00:23:32.910 Albert Dabah: Oh okay.

00:23:33.600 --> 00:23:37.440 Nancy Robbins: But little did I realize that she was reading it.

00:23:39.450 --> 00:23:54.240 Nancy Robbins: So I were getting trouble a lot for pouring out feelings in this diary so that's and then I remember having a portrait class at one point in school too and i'm really found my own sacred l that.

00:23:55.290 --> 00:23:57.570 Nancy Robbins: Through that the power words.

00:23:57.870 --> 00:23:58.560 Albert Dabah: Did you.

00:23:59.850 --> 00:24:09.570 Albert Dabah: mean you do have a any teacher who you felt during that time or anyone that help guide you it all through what you've gone through.

00:24:09.750 --> 00:24:10.920 Albert Dabah: not know.

00:24:12.180 --> 00:24:31.860 Nancy Robbins: I I didn't because they weren't of the religion i'm not supposed to you know reciprocate friendships or anything and i'm Of course there was it all the friends only had to be J w's that was it or you know.

00:24:33.120 --> 00:24:37.830 Albert Dabah: guilt stuff would come back out the mental anguish that were that were there other.

00:24:40.680 --> 00:24:49.770 Albert Dabah: People your age that you met that were from that religion being Jehovah witness that you were able to talk to about some of the feelings, you have.

00:24:50.610 --> 00:24:56.880 Nancy Robbins: I did actually one of them I got sent I didn't realize it i'm sitting.

00:24:58.320 --> 00:25:19.680 Nancy Robbins: In my room with my girlfriend my age we went to the same kingdom, all together, but she had moved out as fate and i'm the door opens and the mother comes in, and she says, I have a surprise for you you're going to get to go home and finished schooling, with this family.

00:25:21.390 --> 00:25:36.930 Nancy Robbins: I was like so overwhelmed I was not expecting it, but then again here we go she's passing me off to somebody else, so I finished my 10th grade and Alabama i'm living with this family but.

00:25:38.010 --> 00:25:47.370 Nancy Robbins: up is so mixed up because they were good family very good people they didn't have a business they had their family dinners but um.

00:25:48.720 --> 00:25:57.930 Nancy Robbins: I had already been already brainwash, so to speak, with guilt and you know all the things that I went through with this legend.

00:25:59.820 --> 00:26:00.990 Albert Dabah: So, how did, how did you.

00:26:02.250 --> 00:26:06.720 Albert Dabah: How did you get through that I mean guilt is the guilt is a tough one, I.

00:26:06.720 --> 00:26:07.830 Nancy Robbins: Understand oh I.

00:26:07.890 --> 00:26:19.770 Nancy Robbins: Really, I got to the point, or one once I ended up back at her house, again I got so depressed as a child i'm not missing middle school.

00:26:20.280 --> 00:26:33.870 Nancy Robbins: And I can't say that again i'm for the first time, my life suicide, because I didn't fit anywhere I couldn't be myself there's always punishments for something every twist and turn.

00:26:35.190 --> 00:26:35.910 Nancy Robbins: It was hard.

00:26:38.520 --> 00:26:49.260 Albert Dabah: I want to ask you if at all, during that time, did you find something, and besides writing your emotions and your feelings out did you find some happiness.

00:26:50.460 --> 00:27:08.400 Albert Dabah: In you know different moments during that time, because I think, to be able to get through what you're talking about I would think that there might have been some something you had to hold on to to get to where you are now like you know little steps little things I.

00:27:08.520 --> 00:27:18.420 Nancy Robbins: Did I wanted my life completely different from theirs That was what I held on to and i'm one of the things was.

00:27:19.650 --> 00:27:30.420 Nancy Robbins: I didn't realize at the time, because I was so young, what a green card was I wasn't even made a citizen, because I wasn't allowed some lag.

00:27:30.930 --> 00:27:54.030 Nancy Robbins: But I went I held on to the fact that I can make a better life for myself that's really, what did everything, plus the fact that I experienced a lot of prejudiced being a mixed child and it was pointed out that I was a half breed was a yellow skin all these ugly ugly prejudice words.

00:27:54.420 --> 00:27:57.330 Albert Dabah: Who would throw these words that you I mean.

00:27:58.080 --> 00:27:59.190 Nancy Robbins: Different parents.

00:27:59.610 --> 00:28:00.030 Really.

00:28:01.140 --> 00:28:02.400 Albert Dabah: Have a kid school.

00:28:03.600 --> 00:28:05.010 Albert Dabah: No, no.

00:28:05.370 --> 00:28:10.410 Nancy Robbins: But I really didn't have, for instance, school, you know, I was allowed to.

00:28:11.460 --> 00:28:19.800 Nancy Robbins: You know if I brought they had um I can recall listening to me loving music so much that.

00:28:21.090 --> 00:28:24.870 Nancy Robbins: I would go and buy a record of this 45.

00:28:25.860 --> 00:28:27.870 Nancy Robbins: yeah but if it was found.

00:28:28.200 --> 00:28:31.620 Nancy Robbins: It would be like broken in front of me there was just.

00:28:31.800 --> 00:28:35.310 Nancy Robbins: Really, a loss, with the mental abuse.

00:28:36.870 --> 00:28:37.770 Albert Dabah: Well, oh.

00:28:39.810 --> 00:28:56.850 Albert Dabah: yeah I mean the stuff that you're talking about I imagine there's a many people that have gone through similar kind of stuff and in one way or another, it sounds like there was very little nurturing that you got when you were.

00:28:58.770 --> 00:29:10.830 Nancy Robbins: It was really minimal and then it was um actually my good friend, that I was growing up with to be my lifetime friend um just to be able to talk to her.

00:29:13.710 --> 00:29:21.090 Albert Dabah: Well that's important having that one friend i'm sure it's someone that you are you in touch with her today still well 16.

00:29:21.120 --> 00:29:21.600 Nancy Robbins: years.

00:29:22.290 --> 00:29:23.280 Albert Dabah: Oh that's wonderful.

00:29:23.940 --> 00:29:25.680 Nancy Robbins: she's more like a sister for me.

00:29:25.950 --> 00:29:36.690 Albert Dabah: Oh good good good well that's why I think it really helps to have that you know, sometimes that one person, it could take two that could change your whole life for help you get through what you get you know go through.

00:29:37.980 --> 00:29:47.760 Albert Dabah: You know whether it's a an attachment with someone whether it's a friend, a therapist or you know just someone that you can share.

00:29:48.900 --> 00:29:58.020 Albert Dabah: your thoughts with we're gonna take a break now, and when we come back we'll be talking more with Nancy robbins who has a lot to share and a lot of.

00:29:59.100 --> 00:30:08.670 Albert Dabah: challenges that she's gone through and that I think it's a really important for people to understand all right, thank you we'll be right back.

00:31:10.110 --> 00:31:11.940 Less taboo you.

00:32:44.790 --> 00:32:47.550 Albert Dabah: hi we're back with Nancy talking about her.

00:32:48.810 --> 00:32:49.860 Albert Dabah: Time as a.

00:32:51.450 --> 00:32:54.630 Albert Dabah: Basically, I guess, as a child, and as a.

00:32:56.970 --> 00:33:00.990 Albert Dabah: young woman going through school with different kinds of.

00:33:02.430 --> 00:33:04.920 Albert Dabah: kind of like it sounds like you were passed around.

00:33:06.990 --> 00:33:10.170 Albert Dabah: Different families different mothers and.

00:33:11.580 --> 00:33:15.480 Albert Dabah: You know didn't have that consistency that you know many people do have.

00:33:17.220 --> 00:33:20.190 Albert Dabah: I find you know families.

00:33:22.500 --> 00:33:29.130 Albert Dabah: You know, are you know ultimate should be a unit that work together, you know, parents and and it's not.

00:33:29.820 --> 00:33:42.660 Albert Dabah: Always what it's made out to be like you mentioned before you know you can watch TV or something and see leave it to beaver and think well that's the kind of family I wish I had and does everyone have that kind of family where people really.

00:33:45.300 --> 00:33:49.800 Albert Dabah: care and and show caring in a way that's real nurturing.

00:33:51.210 --> 00:33:55.590 Albert Dabah: What I What I wonder is you know getting to know you as a friend and.

00:33:56.640 --> 00:34:08.760 Albert Dabah: You you you sounds like you, you really learn how to take care of yourself and and when I read some of your material I know we talked about it and I felt like.

00:34:09.720 --> 00:34:21.720 Albert Dabah: This had this is difficult to do, because I know in myself writing my script it took me you're saying you're writing it still it took me a period of about 20 years.

00:34:22.200 --> 00:34:39.870 Albert Dabah: Not that I was writing it every day, but where I was emotionally ready and really saying okay i'm gonna i'm really going to make this film i'm going to finish this as a script and I make the film and then I did finish the script and it took a while until I actually made the film.

00:34:41.850 --> 00:34:42.390 Albert Dabah: and

00:34:44.010 --> 00:34:59.490 Albert Dabah: But I you know really it's it's one thing I you know I encourage people to see it it's not for everyone, but I know that that expression of what it takes to write something that's very emotional whether it's a book and being a.

00:35:00.720 --> 00:35:06.030 Albert Dabah: meeting many different people on this podcast i've learned and many of them have send me their books.

00:35:06.570 --> 00:35:20.070 Albert Dabah: That someone everyone, but I know it takes a good deal of discipline and a good deal of a you know, sometimes you just not in the moodle you don't want to go there you don't want to go to that place does that happen to you when you're writing.

00:35:20.790 --> 00:35:29.610 Nancy Robbins: Absolutely it's um it's like you just freeze this because it's it's so realistic again.

00:35:31.500 --> 00:35:34.710 Nancy Robbins: The memories of have to put pen to paper.

00:35:35.760 --> 00:35:48.660 Nancy Robbins: i'm good to go back just for a few moments to i'm at one point in my life, I really, really needed some counseling and I didn't know where to turn.

00:35:50.190 --> 00:36:01.020 Nancy Robbins: I did turn to the county that I went to I had no idea that they have a system where you can go up privately.

00:36:02.340 --> 00:36:11.790 Nancy Robbins: And I did go for a while and so at that, though the sessions, that I went through I got to pour out my heart.

00:36:12.300 --> 00:36:15.420 Albert Dabah: How old were you at this point when you're talking about.

00:36:15.510 --> 00:36:19.080 Nancy Robbins: Was i'm probably 30 days.

00:36:21.120 --> 00:36:36.660 Nancy Robbins: You know up there, but I just knew growing and I growing up, I just really wanted my life to be different from what was around me and never pass on anything that was done to me.

00:36:37.560 --> 00:36:50.400 Nancy Robbins: And so, one of the words that I learned um how persons, like myself, and I know i'm not alone, and the only reason i'm out here today.

00:36:50.970 --> 00:37:10.950 Nancy Robbins: is to give that encouragement um there's a word called just association in your brain, and this is has nothing to do with brain injury or tbi but to live through things your mind just clicks off what's happening.

00:37:11.970 --> 00:37:23.760 Nancy Robbins: To be able to live and do it um I had a tremendous amount of abandonment my life is not a what was me it's just reality.

00:37:24.330 --> 00:37:47.100 Nancy Robbins: um and I know everybody's got a story out there, but I really wanted to write mine i'm coming from more I had come from Korea to i'm living the LIFE prior that we've been speaking about before tbi and then tbi so I guess, I do have a lot to say.

00:37:50.250 --> 00:37:55.200 Albert Dabah: So did the when you went to this counseling that you had.

00:37:57.570 --> 00:38:00.540 Albert Dabah: How did that affect you how did that help you.

00:38:01.800 --> 00:38:09.150 Nancy Robbins: help me because I could finally release it and say I can verbalize each word.

00:38:10.560 --> 00:38:13.650 Nancy Robbins: I could cry screen I can't get mad.

00:38:14.670 --> 00:38:28.170 Nancy Robbins: I can have all the emotions that people should have that I was suppressing graffiti many countless shares and that alone is terribly unhealthy for the mind or your life moving forward.

00:38:29.820 --> 00:38:37.950 Nancy Robbins: But I was always willingness even then to rise above it, you know, and the only person that can do it yourself.

00:38:39.090 --> 00:38:40.890 Nancy Robbins: Nobody else can change your life.

00:38:41.550 --> 00:38:47.790 Albert Dabah: Where do you think you got that drive from that to save yourself I want a better life, what what what.

00:38:49.020 --> 00:39:08.130 Albert Dabah: I mean, obviously, you know, having a suicide attempt and living through it, I guess that you know I mean I would think that that would make you look at yourself and say wow you know i'm still here I mean, can you describe that where that will comes to keep going.

00:39:09.600 --> 00:39:11.280 Albert Dabah: I know that you want a better life.

00:39:11.610 --> 00:39:27.270 Nancy Robbins: People I could see people around me just like when I was little I was always looking at faces see if that maybe that person was my mother, but there was a lot of Asian faces around me to find her um but I always wanted to be.

00:39:28.320 --> 00:39:38.760 Nancy Robbins: I wanted to get out of the situation, I just had the inner personal drive, but for depression you don't have that drive you don't have that will.

00:39:39.390 --> 00:39:49.710 Nancy Robbins: So, but I started reading on by accident and always i'm self teaching myself a lot of things from my business that I had at one point in my life.

00:39:50.250 --> 00:39:59.790 Nancy Robbins: And i'm I couldn't I accidentally came across titles of books, the child within the talks parents.

00:40:00.330 --> 00:40:19.830 Nancy Robbins: And for the first time, my life my eyes opened up, that I am not by myself, I knew I was it anyway, but for somebody to put it up there imprint and I it hit rest today with me that you know what it just made me that much more stronger to read it.

00:40:21.030 --> 00:40:29.460 Nancy Robbins: To have that drive to let go and that goes into the word of for me and.

00:40:30.750 --> 00:40:35.670 Nancy Robbins: on behalf of my notes for you, but the word is forgiveness.

00:40:35.790 --> 00:40:37.440 Albert Dabah: mm hmm yeah right.

00:40:37.860 --> 00:40:42.360 Nancy Robbins: So forgiveness and i'm a look at my paper here, so I can speak.

00:40:42.360 --> 00:40:43.410 Albert Dabah: to her, I had.

00:40:43.620 --> 00:40:44.160 i'm.

00:40:45.900 --> 00:40:58.500 Nancy Robbins: always a prisoner of my past as much as I wanted to rise out of it now I accomplished a lot, I went in my early 20s for success my education my citizenship.

00:40:59.040 --> 00:41:21.990 Nancy Robbins: All these different things, but you still carry around a very heavy heart, and I learned that I had to give forgiveness and literally forgiveness, the definition is letting go of resentment and thoughts of revenge to help you let go of the situation that harmed you.

00:41:23.160 --> 00:41:25.350 Nancy Robbins: So I wanted that inner freedom.

00:41:26.430 --> 00:41:27.180 Nancy Robbins: and

00:41:28.230 --> 00:41:37.350 Nancy Robbins: I felt like I was just a prisoner if I didn't let go now that does not mean that you're excusing core behaviors.

00:41:38.100 --> 00:42:00.270 Nancy Robbins: From your surroundings, whatever you experience which you have to let go to have that freedom to love um forgiveness is such a powerful word and without that it really set me free from all the fear that I had.

00:42:01.560 --> 00:42:03.720 Nancy Robbins: I had so much fear is so much guilt.

00:42:05.100 --> 00:42:05.730 Nancy Robbins: So.

00:42:06.750 --> 00:42:21.690 Nancy Robbins: I really suggest you know, and if, if this is an overnight, none of this is overnight, this is daily work on myself for countless years and it doesn't stop with me um i've had to.

00:42:22.650 --> 00:42:34.290 Nancy Robbins: Just personally and i'm not promoting anything on your show or whatever, but I had to find my own niches where I felt my own personal strength now.

00:42:35.160 --> 00:42:47.070 Nancy Robbins: Going back to rewiring the brain brain injured or not I felt like I had to rewire every all the crap from the past, be done with it um.

00:42:47.880 --> 00:43:01.110 Nancy Robbins: and make amends and forgiveness, but for myself, I get up and I say my prayers I meditate and I also taught myself montrose, and I say that.

00:43:01.710 --> 00:43:24.930 Nancy Robbins: I want my day to start positive I read one page out of a meditation book for to be able to have positivity for the day it's um it's like food, if you just eat junk food all the time you're going to pay for it, for me, I wanted to clean up everything I could to be a happier and.

00:43:26.250 --> 00:43:27.210 Nancy Robbins: A person that.

00:43:28.890 --> 00:43:31.230 Nancy Robbins: I just want to live my life to the fullest.

00:43:31.530 --> 00:43:33.060 Albert Dabah: yeah yeah fear.

00:43:35.190 --> 00:43:42.000 Albert Dabah: Well, one of the things that you know you brought up about reading books that it, you know may you see that.

00:43:42.810 --> 00:44:03.780 Albert Dabah: It open you up to see different ways that people describe in terms of the books, you talked about different emotions what people go through, and I can connect with, and it makes me think about how I got to where I am via also reading books and.

00:44:05.970 --> 00:44:07.500 Albert Dabah: I remember in college.

00:44:08.790 --> 00:44:12.690 Albert Dabah: I changed my major from business to psychology.

00:44:14.130 --> 00:44:20.700 Albert Dabah: And i'd love to talk to you about that, because I think it's really important and goes with what you're talking about so.

00:44:22.590 --> 00:44:27.060 Albert Dabah: And I was affected by one book and i'll tell you about that in a minute, but um.

00:44:28.380 --> 00:44:30.960 Albert Dabah: Because I think it's so important to have that.

00:44:32.280 --> 00:44:50.070 Albert Dabah: That outlet and finding that whatever it is to get you from one place to another so we're going to take a break and we'll be right back with more of this really good stuff that i'm hearing from Nancy Thank you we'll be right back.

00:46:52.140 --> 00:47:01.950 Albert Dabah: hi we're back with Nancy robbins talking about the experiences in her life we left off, we were talking about books that you had read and I was.

00:47:02.490 --> 00:47:12.570 Albert Dabah: Talking about a book that really helped me a lot and make me see that uh what I was going through in my family was.

00:47:13.080 --> 00:47:28.080 Albert Dabah: similar to what I read in this book The book was i'm not sure if you ever read cool I never promised you a rose garden and I read it, while I was in I think my my third year of college, I was a business major at that time, and it really.

00:47:29.610 --> 00:47:41.280 Albert Dabah: made me open up to see wow I wasn't alone, I had a brother that was ill, and this was, and that was in a mental hospital at that time and.

00:47:42.930 --> 00:47:57.510 Albert Dabah: or earlier, actually, and this was about a story visiting going to the hospital and visiting simply no sick and I really connected with that and wrote a paper.

00:47:58.470 --> 00:48:09.990 Albert Dabah: On the book and my my personal experiences and I wasn't I wasn't a great student and I love baseball and that was my dream was to be a baseball player and.

00:48:11.070 --> 00:48:19.560 Albert Dabah: But in reading this book I encouraged me to look further into the whole field of psychology.

00:48:20.670 --> 00:48:26.430 Albert Dabah: So I majored in psychology and then I got a job working as a mental health counselor while it's my senior year.

00:48:27.030 --> 00:48:43.410 Albert Dabah: Of college and then went on, and more two different social workplaces and went on, and got an msw degree and worked as a therapist for about five years gotten into acting and and film production video production and i've done, I do some therapy now and.

00:48:44.430 --> 00:48:50.340 Albert Dabah: But then ended up with this business at some other productions and finally.

00:48:51.510 --> 00:49:05.910 Albert Dabah: You know, wrote the movie extra innings and you know got it got it made finally and both throughout the whole time you said something before that hit me about when you would write sometimes you'd get.

00:49:06.960 --> 00:49:13.380 Albert Dabah: depressed about what you were writing about because you were looking at what your own experiences and I remember.

00:49:14.160 --> 00:49:29.430 Albert Dabah: While I was editing the film at one point I went to a friend of mine who I would consider you know my best friend growing up he's like a brother, to me, and I was really down, and I said to me because what's wrong and I had like a tier couple tears in my eyes and I said I.

00:49:30.720 --> 00:49:35.610 Albert Dabah: As i'm editing and i'm you know going over and over and over and reliving so much of.

00:49:36.720 --> 00:49:41.610 Albert Dabah: The pain that my brother had and my sister and I.

00:49:42.840 --> 00:49:54.570 Albert Dabah: I really opened up to him and said Howard hurt and he said to me something that you know I read many times and but I really felt it very true that if you can help one person.

00:49:55.080 --> 00:50:04.020 Albert Dabah: it's like saving the world by you know, helping out one person, and we would see that and I, and I always felt that strongly.

00:50:06.360 --> 00:50:13.350 Albert Dabah: And then I then I was getting the word out to people about it, and then, when the film came out, I had a good friend from elementary school that we connected.

00:50:13.890 --> 00:50:27.750 Albert Dabah: And he wrote to me, he said me, I will be looking for donations to make the film at one point and we teamed up with a Suicide Prevention agency that still able, they will be tax deductions and.

00:50:29.190 --> 00:50:34.440 Albert Dabah: And he wrote me there's the Hebrew expression called.

00:50:36.060 --> 00:50:42.870 Albert Dabah: tikkun olam which means you're you're helping the world or your your and it really.

00:50:43.470 --> 00:50:50.220 Albert Dabah: Affected me, and you know he sent me a check with it, but he wrote something so beautiful in there that that's what you're doing and.

00:50:50.970 --> 00:51:02.640 Albert Dabah: I remember thinking that really empowered me to keep going and to know that that what I was doing was not just helpful for me, but could.

00:51:03.090 --> 00:51:12.570 Albert Dabah: Potentially help other people, and I think that's what you know these books are about these films are about people talking about whatever they're going through.

00:51:13.710 --> 00:51:23.850 Albert Dabah: to know that you're not alone, I mean from having many different guests on this podcast I hear it over and over again about how.

00:51:26.760 --> 00:51:36.930 Albert Dabah: It sometimes it takes an enormous amount of work to get through a day with the emotions that come up by.

00:51:37.950 --> 00:51:43.950 Albert Dabah: grief of some kind or another losing losing someone that you love, whether it's a child.

00:51:45.060 --> 00:51:49.380 Albert Dabah: spouse and or whatever it is.

00:51:50.670 --> 00:52:08.340 Albert Dabah: And many people do write books about it and write screenplays about it they're very I think usually very effective so i'm really glad that you share that with us and I tell me tell me more we're getting at the end of the show but i'd like to know more.

00:52:09.420 --> 00:52:14.310 Albert Dabah: about the writing right now, are you are, you still writing and I know it's tough.

00:52:14.910 --> 00:52:39.090 Nancy Robbins: It is tough, especially with my brain, but one I have done is I have written my story, and then I went back and i've taken poetry, and the that I have written throughout the years and plugged it in in between, so you could really see and feel the emotion.

00:52:40.170 --> 00:53:01.260 Nancy Robbins: Of it um one thing about my book that I brainstormed with my dear friend on was, I said to her, I have so many of these stories, and this is like years ago I said what good is it, I said I want to be positive, with this out, can I find it and she said.

00:53:02.370 --> 00:53:14.490 Nancy Robbins: One person reading your book is going to see you may affect that person's life to encourage them, even if they're by themselves, of what are not, they can do this.

00:53:15.750 --> 00:53:21.660 Nancy Robbins: And that's what and I it that motivated me so much when she said that because.

00:53:22.230 --> 00:53:37.950 Nancy Robbins: that's the whole point of this show to not just talking about the ugly things, but you can rise above it, it may take you weeks, months years, but you can do it, even if you are by yourself, you can do it, you can change it i'm.

00:53:38.940 --> 00:53:46.050 Nancy Robbins: i'm looking at my notes here i'm the things that I feel about writing and.

00:53:47.070 --> 00:53:50.580 Nancy Robbins: I feel that, when you put pen to paper.

00:53:51.870 --> 00:54:08.220 Nancy Robbins: it's a powerful tool that you have each word that you are writing um it's gonna affect you not just myself, but the person reading it i'm prior I was inhibited.

00:54:10.710 --> 00:54:21.750 Nancy Robbins: And in my sub conscience in heart to express because I was either mocked or scared or punished if I did express things i'm.

00:54:23.610 --> 00:54:41.880 Nancy Robbins: So i'm i'm reading here I climbed down is that situation to be positive, as I could and live my life fully as I could it lifted my energies to pour out the ugly and put them down and to show you can become a better human being.

00:54:43.200 --> 00:55:02.940 Nancy Robbins: Our own words can motivate or inspire ourselves, even if you have no one's help just write it, it may look like nothing to you, but it was great therapy for myself to just put pen to paper and not be criticized i'm.

00:55:04.140 --> 00:55:17.610 Nancy Robbins: Also positive words can encourage and this goes back to brain injury cognitive brain function, while negative words and thoughts slows the brain down and brings on emotion.

00:55:18.270 --> 00:55:32.310 Nancy Robbins: and physical stresses, so it can transform us to write, even if it's ugly but it show the positive or the motivations that I had to try to take control of my life.

00:55:33.150 --> 00:55:57.510 Nancy Robbins: And then i'm gonna read a quote I read a lot of different type books but, as always, books that i'm trying to learn from or better myself, but I like this quote from roomie it, he said, raise your words, not your voice, it is the rain that grows flowers, not the thunder.

00:55:58.980 --> 00:55:59.490 Albert Dabah: mm hmm.

00:55:59.820 --> 00:56:14.280 Nancy Robbins: The purpose in my book is seriously that one personnel, there may read something that affects them that they're eight they too are going through, I know that, even if they have to do it by themselves, they can do it.

00:56:14.970 --> 00:56:20.010 Albert Dabah: Right right well, I think I think everyone is individual that has.

00:56:21.870 --> 00:56:32.100 Albert Dabah: Whatever they have in front of them and at some point, there could be something that comes up that's unexpected and that's hurtful and.

00:56:33.180 --> 00:56:37.770 Albert Dabah: It it takes it takes strength to get through a lot of.

00:56:39.660 --> 00:56:46.950 Albert Dabah: issues that come up and sometimes we stigmatize them as a society society and.

00:56:48.150 --> 00:56:50.070 Albert Dabah: it's important to get through that.

00:56:51.570 --> 00:57:00.030 Albert Dabah: I have you know witnessed a lot of tragedy, and I feel like it's important to talk about it so.

00:57:00.720 --> 00:57:06.870 Albert Dabah: we're coming to the end of the show, I just want to say thank you Thank you so much for being on tonight I know it's.

00:57:07.680 --> 00:57:19.950 Albert Dabah: it's it's sometimes so easy to be able to get on and talk about what's going on, but you really were wonderful tonight and I knew, you would be that's why I asked you to be on the show.

00:57:20.490 --> 00:57:28.590 Albert Dabah: Thanks, though, thank you Nancy for being on the show tonight and everyone out there we're on at six o'clock every Monday.

00:57:29.190 --> 00:57:41.310 Albert Dabah: And if you have a chance to watch the film extra innings all right Thank you so much, and we'll see you again next week, and so you have a great night, and thank you again on the show bye bye bye.